I, as much as any other woman, understand the hurt associated with being intimate with someone only to have your heart broken. I’ve cried those tears before; and I’ve cried enough to know that the onus is not just on the guy who broke my heart–the onus is also on me.
I am equally responsible for guarding my heart. I am responsible for my actions, and/or lack of action.
Many times, we as women tell our girlfriends & family members that we want a guy who will wait for us. We say we want a guy who won’t pressure us to have sex. We even write “lists” about the way we want him to treat and value us. We say and do these things but we often act very differently once we meet that guy.
Over time, we decide it’s okay if he doesn’t go to church regularly.
It’s okay if he’s inconsistent.
It’s okay if we allow him to spend the night.
It’s okay if go we past first base.
It’s okay if we become intimate.
It’s even okay if we have sex because he loves us.
None of these things were on our lists or part of our prayers but suddenly they’re okay because we’ve decided that they’re okay. We’ve decided that perhaps those things don’t really matter that much anymore because the relationship is sailing along smoothly. Our compromises seem to have little to no repercussions until the day we wake-up to a break-up. Suddenly, the compromises are not okay. Our hearts are aching. Our emotions are ripe with regret. Our minds are full of confusion. Things are not okay anymore.
“What did I do wrong?”
“What happened to the perfect guy I thought I’d met?”
Suddenly, we are struggling to navigate the broken pieces of our hearts.
“I thought he was going to be different.”
“I thought he said he loved me.”
“I thought he wanted to build a future with me.”
Does the cycle sound familiar? Does it remind you of a past relationship?
The storyline certainly reads true for me! It’s a crazy cycle that many of us have lived and it’s one that should end today.
The reality of this heartbreaking story is that, while that man may have done (or even said) some things that hurt our hearts, 99% of that burden falls on us and not him.
Often times, we are the common denominator to our own heartbreak and disappointment due to our decision to settle and compromise. We met a god-fearing man who was willing to wait for us. He appeared to be the man we prayed for. He matched the man on our list but we were okay with accepting less. We displayed actions that illustrated our willingness to settle.
No, we didn’t intentionally wake up and say “hey, I think I’m going to lower my standards today,” but we equated love with sex, and rushed into a physical relationship. We made the first move on him when he was okay with waiting for us. We asked him to spend the night when he preferred to honor our purity. We pressured him to be intimate with us because not doing so, made us feel insecure and made us question the relationship.
In our minds, we knew that a covenant relationship (marriage) was our goal but, we fell prey to the notion that sex and physical intimacy were the only ways to keep his attention. We doubted God’s route and allowed our temptation to become greater than our faith.
The craziest and perhaps most odd part of this heartbreaking cycle, is that we allow ourselves to be the victim when the story unfolds in heartbreak.
“I can’t believe he didn’t see me for who I am.”
“I can’t believe that he didn’t see my value”
Perhaps he didn’t see our value. Perhaps he didn’t understand our worth but perhaps, neither did we. After all, we thought settling was the only way to keep him. We sacrificed months and years of prayers for a few moments of pleasure. Perhaps, we’re just as responsible for our broken heart as he is.
Yeah but “you’re different,” right? You’re a good girl who opened up her heart. You prayed for that guy and made him wait longer than any other girl he’s ever dated so, you’re different.
Your words may have told him that you were different but your actions said another thing. In the end, he treated you like every other girl because your actions never required him to treat you differently. You lowered your standards. You settled out of fear and ended up with a broken heart.
Your story ended like every other girl he’s dated because you didn’t require him to date or court you differently.
Your actions did not require him to do anything differently.
No matter how much we say, our actions will always be the loudest voice in the room.
If you’ve gone through this before, this post is not intended to offend you or shame you. I too, have made the same mistakes in the past. This post is meant to encourage you and remind you of your value and worth.
You are a precious jewel who carries greatness and operates in grace. You are part of a royal bloodline of excellence, and it is an honor, not a burden, for a man to be with you, to date you and to spend time with you. It is time that you recognize that and act accordingly. It is time to walk in integrity because you are called to be a noble a woman of good character (Proverbs 31).
Your value does not come from what you have to offer, it comes from Jesus Christ. If you desire to be a wife, act as a wife. Choose your dates wisely and guard your heart fiercely. Be intentional about your time and seek to honor God in all that you do.
A wise person once said, when you know better you do better. Today’s challenge is to do better. Know yourself. Know your worth. Accept nothing less.